Originally written 08-28-2015
Motivation is a hard thing for me to come by. I don’t know if this is because things have always been easy for me or because I don’t want much. Whatever the underlying cause…I do not like it. The past few months I have been jobless, working rarely here and there, but not spending my time working toward a goal or developing new skills…just slowly eating away at my savings. Today is my third day without cannabis, and luckily I don’t feel withdrawal symptoms as much as I did the last time I stopped; I’m not sure if this is because my body is less attuned to it this time around or some other reason, but I’m hoping I can use it to catalyze some type of change in my life. I know the only motivation people have comes from their own power of will, but most of the power of will and my determination in my life came from fear of punishment either from parents or some deity, and now that I have no fear of either I have lost my cause to strive. Not only that, but now that I’m conscious that my life is in my hands, I feel an overwhelming obligation to find out EXACTLY what I should do with it. I make no choice for my future because of how many choices get cut-off by making any choice…what a horrible catch-22 I’ve trapped myself into. Reminds me of the film “Ex-machina” when the main characters speak regarding a painting. The artist painted it with no clear plan in mind, yet each stroke of the brush was performed, and thus carried out with intent. One man then questions the other about the artist…perhaps the artist had gone the other route. What if the artist had decided not to paint anything unless he knew exactly WHY he painted it. Well, the artist would never paint anything, because nobody truly understands exactly why we make any of our decisions. So I sit…and think…because I’m alive and I’m healthy and if that is true then why do I need to do anything else? After-all, the past is unchangeable and the future is abstract, and in every moment of now that I experience I am still alive and well and feel no need to change anything.
Rich Mind 